A Very Painful Account of my Surviving Life!

Here is an account of how my life in the Big Ocean is continually ruined and constantly subjected to pounding and crushing under the hammer of  'the powers that be', who, some say, are more than ordained by god; they consider themselves gods!

It was day of Bonus given out from robin hood bank, which had amassed a fortune over the years, and, annually, saw if fit to distribute to its faithful servants the fruits of labour (and plundering?), allocating the quantum based on achievers and yardsticks that purportedly measure their performances. No doubt it was a joyous occasion for all after weeks of anticipating the day and the planning on how best to spend their annual fortune.

One such person is yours humbly, and how all his plans and eager anticipation of such occasion culminated in a devastating and emotional event, such that the path of life was almost guaranteed to be dictated by gravitational forces.

Well, here goes:

Having served 20 years in the same bank with no record of fraudulent activities on my part, saved for some shortcomings attributed to heavy workload, as a result of poor management, the expected quantum of bonus would naturally be 2 months at the least, in view of the poor economic downturn, bla bla..

So what if I tendered my resignation last November, only to be persuaded by my boss's boss to stay put with the promise that I would be transferred to reporting, in view of my database and programming skills. With that hope I retracted my letter and continued on. No counter-offer of promotion or salary raise. It was a clean transparent deal.

Now, as I thought to myself, what could I do with my 2 months bonus? It was 2 months before bonus then. The prevailing economic times dictated that I conduct proper planning in prudent spending and putting a leash on my 'wants' and 'wishes', only allow the essentials through.

My 'top essential items' on my bonus spending list:

1. Pay RM3K to my credit card creditor so they could lock the interest and offer me 17 monthly instalments of RM520 to settle my credit debt, with no further interest charged;
2. Update RM500 on another credit card balance;
3. Pay another RM300 to update another;
4. Now that the cards are taken care of, update the payment on my car, RM700;
5. Give RM1,500 to my wife for the expenses incurred which was all spent from her December bonus;
6. Give RM200 each to my 2 daughters;
   That already amounts to, what? RM6,920?
7. Ok, the rest.. well, there's these electrical power points at home which have not been working, a CD player and home theatre that were in dire need of repair, give mum some money for the Chinese New Year, replace some of my torn working shirts, squeeze some money to buy a second hand desktop PC, and maybe, maybe if there's still some money left, I could get me a new mobile phone instead of being stuck with my Nokia N73 with a broken pointing stick and broken keypad.. maybe something that costs below RM500..
8. My younger daughter likes photography and is working part-time to earn some savings to buy a good SLR camera. Maybe I could chip in RM500 to make her dream more realizable. It touches me to make my girls happy, doesn't it, for you?
9. My elder one, she has already exhausted her savings to buy materials and accessories for a fashion show organized by her college last month, so I thought I would replenish it with another RM300 to 400. Not much coming from 2 months bonus, I know.

Now tell me, was that so much to ask for? Some things I could only depend on annual bonus as almost all of my monthly income goes to paying off my credit cards which never seem to reduce. Hey, don't blame it all on me, I was never born with a silver spoon. And when I needed the extra money during the early days, as a low-income earner, and expenses run high, who would willingly lend me money to survive? Lo, here comes the credit card company, offering a way to live above the poverty level! Of course, we all thought we could manage the balances until they struck us hard.

Back to the bonus thingy.. The minimum I got for my bonus last year was 2.9 months. Used to be 3, 3.5 or 4 months during the good ol' times.. and finally that day came..

WHAM!  ..   BANG!! ..  another WHAM!!!

That was how I got hit! Never least expected it to be a damn cruel one! I checked my bank account - it was only RM3,800! No need to work out the calculation - I got a shocking 1 month's bonus! ONLY ONE MISERABLE MONTH'S BONUS after almost 300 days of working late like a dog last year!

I know for a fact that some of my colleagues in my dept received 4 months bonus or more but for me to be allotted only 1 month is surely done with cruel intentions. I can only imagine the bonuses of 'the powers that be', receiving a damn fat cheque that may even run into 6 figures, who don't even have any outstanding bills to settle.

OMG! What would I bring home? I gotta settle RM3,000 to my creditors otherwise they'll come knocking on my door, I gotta pay RM500 to another one too, no 2 ways about it! Ok, I paid them both. So, now, lemme see what's left in my coffer... errrm.. RM300. 

My heart sank, and then it almost drowned, literally, in my own tears, though I managed not to let them out through my eyes. Later, that day, in intervals, I let some out when I couldn't control myself any longer. I was alone. Loneliness crept into me as the bare fact of the bonus quantum reared it ugly head and seek out to divide me from the other colleagues who are satisfied, though not very upbeat, with their own quantum.

Gone away is my dream and hope of redeeming myself from the clutches of debts. But what hurts most is that a weary and downtrodden father is unable to offer the fruits of his labour to his wife and 2 daughters to make them happy and lessen their burden.

So, in atonement for my shortcomings I shall attempt to stay sane and strong under the same boss, and continue bear the burden of my wife and children in the hope, no matter how thin the thread it treads on, that someday soon our struggle to survive will end, and that we shall start living, again.

My dear friends, I think now is a good time to offer me some comforting words, or some hope. I think I will need it very badly..